I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
