he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
