My friends, they love my intelligence
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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