last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
