So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
