If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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