my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
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