you guys were way drunker than both of me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
