FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
