Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
