I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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