Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
