Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
