There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
