Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
