you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
