Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
