Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
