Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
