I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
