Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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