Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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