Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
