Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
