she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
