then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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