Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
