soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
