I wish my penis had an off switch
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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