I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
