I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
