Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
