ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
this just has baby written all over it
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
