On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
