At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
