guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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