Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
