The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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