He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
