i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
