I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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