At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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