I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
