This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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