i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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