sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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