she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the condom got lost in my hair
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
