I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
