How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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