WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
