I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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