yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
