i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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