OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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