Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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