Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
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I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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Vodka?
Forever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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