We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
